SURPRISE.... OR NOT!!

Yeap, its DDay and I'm still here! The Surgeon's PA rang at 4.40pm yesterday to postpone the operation. More acute cases which hey could be burn victims or something so I can sympathise with that. Understand .... accept .. well nothing I can do about it but I'll be pissed off if it happens again next week.
I guess I'd have it off by now if I'd chosen masectomy only but hey, the govt will only fund reconstruction if its done at the same time as masectomy so I dont have a choice if I want both. Maybe I can hit him up for a tuck up and two 30 year old boobies now.... he owes me huh!

Back to work... wonder if I get another morning tea shout next Monday hahahahahha

Cancer has shown me how to be a Real Bitch!@

I just had to put this in here.. it's so appropriate at the moment. I love it!

BITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for Myself and my beliefs,
They call me a Bitch.
When I stand up for Those I love,
They call me a Bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts

Or do things my own way,
they call me a Bitch.

Being a bitch

Means I won't compromise what's In my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to Tolerate injustice and Speak against it,
I am Defined as a Bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for Myself
instead of being everyone's maid,

or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength

to allow Myself to be who I truly am

and won't become Anyone else's idea
of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, Opinionated and determined.
I want what I want
And there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me,
Try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash Every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch , So be it.
I embrace the title and Am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

Cancer - Start packing!

Yeap, five more sleeps and off to hospital! Never thought I would be excited to go to hospital and face the surgeons scapel but I am so ready for this I am ecstatic! I am so over this cancer thing and want to return to thinking about me and not what the cancer is doing inside me, every minute of the day!
Today I was so dumb. Luckily my clients were good friends but I spent a good few minutes looking for something and it was right in front of me all the time!!! Far out.. stoopid. They told me it was on the desk but I couldn't see it at all. I hope the surgeon finds my brain cause I think I swallowed it.
I'm finishing work tomorrow lunchtime, yeah right.. well I will come home when I've written all my notes etc. Seems weird that I won't be there for a few weeks... they are like a family.. such a cool team to work with. My boss told me a secret today and I can't wait till its official and I can tell my kids .. I am so wrapped. I love my job, I love my hobby, I love my kids my everything so whats a few weeks with a sore tum and swollen boob haha. And I'm thinking of all the sewing I can get done too.. YES!
My quilt will be finished over the weekend so I'll post a picture of it before I go. Its absolutely fabulous and I had enough hearts to make a quilt for my queen size bed plus... a pillow (to hold when I'm travelling - necessary evidently - and a bag to carry them both in.
And on that note I'd better get back to it.

Five and counting down!

9 more sleeps

My computer is so slow at home now that I can't even get into this site anymore. My car is ready for the dump, the computers stuffed and I have to have a remake! And I'm only 50 haha.
9 more sleeps - starting to feel a little nervous but absolutely positively POSITIVE! I have more concern for my dear friend Irene who decided to have a mammogram after getting my email and is now waiting on results of a biopsy. We've been in daily contact and I'm glad I keep her laughing but there's no way that I can understand how she feels waiting for the news. Because everyone is different. Everyone handles cancer in their own way. Its a very personal experience. I've been 'on top' I guess but others could feel devastated. What I've found though is how many 'friends' don't know how to deal with the news of someone having cancer. What has annoyed me the most is people who say "I know how you feel, I know what you're going through, I know what you're going to go through after the op" (Yes, its true!) and yet they've never had cancer, never had to have a breast off and never had sleepless nights thinking about the future! Thankfully there are few of them but it feels very patronising and really annoys me. I have to forgive them as words just aren't their best asset but geez, can people be so insensitive!
The Dr said I need heaps of sleep .. yeah right! I've seen 2am, 3.23am, 5am.. have you ever tried to count minutes to make you go back to sleep haha. Least I can plan stuff in the middle of the night.. no other distractions haha.
My quilt is ready to be quilted now. It looks absolutely amazing. So rich and colourful. I can't wait to see it finished. On Saturday I made a pillow thingy from some of the other hearts as they said I'll need to have one for travelling for a while. Keep the boob up haha.
Well off to a course today. Hope I dont fall asleep haha. Looking forward to free lunch tho! Whoops don't tell the boss! Have a great day everyone.

Eleven More Sleeps

Yes, It's all confirmed! I'm going to have the operation at the end of the month. Wow, I feel like it's Xmas... I am so excited that I'm finally going to be rid of this indicious disease. Yes, Yes, Yes Be gone Cancer! I dont care if I feel like I've "been run over by a bus for a couple of days" the cancer is gonna be on that bus and moving away from me.

Annette is coming with me and Haylee will come down at the weekend. My sisters will also be around for a few days. I can't wait now until I hear that surgeon say "you're all clear... we got it all!". I know he will.

4 - 6 weeks off work depending on how much sewing I get done???? Hehe Meals in Boxes, Home Help, good friends to keep me company, Save money because I can't drive for 4 weeks -my old bomb doesnt have power steering and drivers seat belt will be a pain too... bum!

Fingers Crossed

Yes, I have seen the surgeon and they have a tentative date of 29th August, to be confirmed in writing this week. Yes, Yes PLEASE!!!!

How can anyone be so excited about having their body chopped up?????..... sad ah.. but I will be rid of this cancer before it spreads anywhere else!

And as I guessed the 29th is my son-in-laws 30th birthday.... everything has happened on family birthday's this year.... on my older sisters birthday I fell down steps in Sydney and sprained my foot and ankle, on my 50th birthday the storm arrived in Sydney and we were housebound so couldn't travel as planned and on my little sister's birthday I was told I had cancer. Now dear Simon will have to celebrate his 30th without his mother-in-law.... haha.. .. I bet he will be unhappy about that!....

Fingers crossed this date is confirmed and then I'll be Counting down... 16 sleeps to go ..

One More Sleep

Yeap, tomorrow I finally see the Plastic Surgeon and hopefully this is the start to the end! I'm hoping that I'll receive a booking for my surgery in the next few days. I can't wait for this cancer to be gone and life to return back to normal. Its still incredible that I feel the same as I did six months ago and yet I have cancer! Even friends can't believe that it can be real but I'm sure we'll all know its for real when I'm lined up in theatre for the anaesthetic.

Carol helped me put my quilt top together yesterday. It is 72 squares but I still have about 40 left and I will use them for a lap quilt or cushions. We were up until 12.30am Carol sewed and I pinned. We both intended sewing but my 1/4 inch was a fraction different to Carol's but made a big difference in the sashing size. I'm doing the vertical sashings today.

My mum rang today to tell me someone had died of cancer! Go Mum! Geezus that's the last thing I want to hear at the moment even though I know I'm going to be okay.
Roll on tomorrow!

One Down - One to Go!

Yes, I have seen one surgeon and he thinks I could be in hospital by the end of the month. Just have to see the plastic surgeon now so fingers crossed. The weather was gorgeous in Wellington. Threatened my boss that I'll move down there but why go work for a Rotweiller when I can work for a puppy dog... hehe! My boss is so cool and he's a great team member with us experts around here! Hehe
Last night Carol and Alison came around and we worked out how to put my quilt together. Carol bought some gorgeous fabrics to try as sashings and we chose a gorgous vibrant red floral which really makes the colours of the hearts jump out! Carol is such a beautiful person and so generous. Her stash is amazing! So tonight I'll be cutting sashings and ironing blocks ready to start sewing. There are still more arriving everyday but the extra's will go on the back of the quilt. I can't wait to see it finished and it will be a real talking point when in hospital. Which will be great since I'll be so far away from friends.
It was real dejavu yesterday. When Annette, my eldest daughter and I were walking into Lower Hutt Hospital it felt like we'd turned the clocks back and I was taking her to see Drs again (she had a liver transplant 14 yrs ago). But this time it was Nette accompanying me and waiting for me to have xrays and blood tests. Weird but wonderful that she wanted to be there with me too.
I know they'll all be there for me on the day. My two girls Annette and Haylee, and my two sisters Raelene and Debbie. The op will take 7 hours so hope they find plenty to do... I know Raelene will go to the patchwork shop.. bum.

Went to acupuncture and deep tissue therapy this morning on my right arm. Its been getting sore and tight again lately so want to get it moving again before I go into hospital. Will get back into the pool again - been a bit slack last few days.

Counting down to Monday now.

Healing Hearts

You know I've just realised tonight how healing these hearts have been. For the last few days I have thought more about getting home to see what's in the mail and how Im going to put these blocks together than I have about the cancer! Well, I'm still anxious to get rid of the horrible overstayer! but these gorgeous bright hearts from all over NZ have given me so much to look forward too. Its amazing and still more are coming.

The photos not too great here but this heart was from Jacqui Karl from Kimbolton, who has quilted all my quilts so far. Jacqui is an amazing fabric artist and does all the quilting on an ordinary sewing machine. I have been known to cry when I have seen what Jacqui has created on my quilts. She's wonderful and her heart is too.

Tomorrow I'm off to Lower Hutt to see the surgeon who will do the first part of my op.. the masectomy. So the ball is rolling at last.

A Whole Lot of Heart!

Well the hearts are still arriving in my letterbox. Look at this, just some of them!

It's given me heaps to think about - like how am I going to put them all together??

Only two more sleeps and off to another general surgeon in Lower Hutt who will be doing the masectomy and then I see the plastic surgeon on Monday. I rang LH today to confirm my appt and asked if they had my mammogram slides - they didnt and the surgeon needed to see them so lucky I rang. PN will copy them just in time.

I had a great weekend. Margaret was here till late Saturday and we had a wonderful girly time. Blobbing out chatting, brunch, visitors it was great. then Sunday Cherry arrived with a naughty morning tea, she's such a doll! Emma invited me to their house for lunch and my friend Carol invited me for dinner! Wow, I could get used to that!! haha. It was good to get some sewing done too but I still have a lot to catch up on. Tomorrow night I will have discipline, come home and eat dinner quickly then into it. No slacking.

I have to get up early tomorrow too. My online quilting group are now sending childrens blocks in to make quilts for kids at Starship. Since I'm no good at applique I'm cutting a pile of blocks in childrens fabrics (I only have a few - yeah kidding!). I'm going to make quilts for my little people, Olivia and Alex who are 3 and 2. They are gorgeous little people. But first I have to make one for George and I have got as far as drafting the pattern. Third attempt! I have to like something before I can make it. George wants a mountain bike track quilt. I made a Motorx quilt for his cousin Cameron last year. It was a real mission but I was so proud of it. Cameron and his friends drew all the pictures at his 6th birthday party and I copied and appliqued them onto the quilt. Above is daytime with his dog Bud chasing the sheep. Below is the nightime and the dog is fast asleep in his kennel, Cameron is asleep in the loft and the motorbikes in the barn. the trees are the hands of Cameron and his friends. Orange is Cam's favourite colour and the hands belong to Dad (start of the race) and Mum's at the finish line. George will have his before his birthday in November. Thats my goal!

Better get my beauty sleep so I can get up early. Boss is letting me have his car park tomorrow while he has some touch ups done. He needs a few - getting old you know! hehe.

I love Wednesdays!

Wednesday's are often good days. Firstly I get to be the boss... well I get his carpark, thats close! Haha. Stew (Area Manager) goes to another office on Wednesday's so that day I can plan any appointments I have or go to shops I need the car for.
For the last 3 Wednesdays since being diagnosed my colleague and friend Bev has sent back a little parcel with Stew. The first parcel was a "Grow Your Own Big Tits" kit. Haha. It really made me laugh. The second was a card "just thinking of you" but filled with metallic stars.... as if I'd rip any present open from Bev! Last week it was a piece of fabric to make a heart for my quilt as she wanted to be part of it. Woah, you're not allowed to make me cry but little things like that mean heaps. Thank you Bev. This Wed she will be flying away for 3 weeks so no more pressies haha. She wouldn't take me with her either!
But today I received an appointment at Lower Hutt for Wednesday too. To see the general surgeon (no letter but I'm guessing he's going to do the masectomy. Yay, thats great news! so then I will see the plastic surgeon Monday week and then its all go when I get a date!

And then I'll be back to normal.. well not sure if I've ever been normal but who is!

Quilters - A unique Culture!

Thanks to Myra, Caroline, etc for their kind words and encouragement I will keep going with my blog. I've had the worst week really. So called 'friends' telling me how I should feel, what I should be doing etc. And then after receiving a letter from the hospital telling me my appointment with the surgeon has been postponed for another ten days.. well I crashed big time. It didnt help that I was out for dinner with friends when one said "your cancer can't be that urgent" etc etc. I know she has a problem with speaking before thinking but I wasn't strong enough that night to cope with her 'advice' and I left the restaurant. I ended up at Carol's and sobbed my heart out for what seemed like ages. To me I need to get rid of this incidious disease TOMORROW - it has taken over my life. It was like my whole being was waiting for today's appointment as then I would be one step closer to 'the end'. I was devastated... I'm lucky to have friends close to me who've had cancer like Raewyn who bought me flowers yesterday because she understood how dissapointed I was.

And my Quilt.... Wow, I now have 67 heart blocks! Most from people I dont even know. They are members of an online quilt group I belong to so the blocks have come from all over NZ. Some from close friends .. from Myra, Irene, Jacqui. Last night some of our Quilt Club Committee gave me them.. gorgeous hearts and there will probably be more in the letterbox tonight. Even a colleague who doesnt quilt has sent me a fat quarter because she wants to be part of it! They are gorgeous, bright colours and I will be able to look at them often and read the names of those who have made them. I never thought something as small as a 6" piece of fabric could be so precious. Carol is going to help me put the blocks together and she will quilt it for me before I have my op. I can't wait to see it finished.

It helps me realise how lucky I am that this is happening at the best time of my life! I have great family and friends, a job I enjoy and a really supportive boss, a great place to live and I am learning from this experience to be stronger, to take control and walk away from situations when I don't feel good and that even a blade of grass or the texture of a fabric is more important than a nice new toyota! Geez??

Karen